2-3-4 Friday - Why you may not want to give advice (even if it’s asked for)
‘Seeking to spark the most potential within you per word of any online newsletter’
1 thought
Sometimes I want to throw my tissue box at my therapist. Because whenever I ask him for advice, he would say something like,
Oh John, you’re very Singaporean.
Always asking for how-tos and practical advice.
No offence for the Singaporean readers out there!
But as helping professionals, you and I are in the business of giving advice. That’s why it should come with a warning label.
Advice is easy to give. You didn’t read that wrongly.
Advice is easy to give.
Actionable advice, is more difficult. Much much more difficult. Why? Because advice that prompts the other party to take action forces you to look less at yourself, and more at the other party.
It forces you to use wisdom. To assess if the other party is ready to use the advice you’ve taken. To understand whether you should push or pull back. That’s when I realise that the true mark of someone skilled in helping is not whether the advice is good, but whether the intervention prompts ownership.
One thing I’ve learnt over the past 2 years of helping others is as Al-Anon reminds,
You did not cause it.
You cannot change it.
You cannot control it.
That’s why when people ask for advice, the first thing isn’t to jump into the hole they’ve invited you into. It’s to stop. Listen to what is being asked. And what is being asked of the person. Because you can’t change the person’s life.
Only he/she can take responsibility for his own life. And if he doesn’t take action…
Your advice will never work.
1 quote
Psychotherapy is not advice. Advice is what you get when the person you’re talking with about something horrible and complicated wishes you would just shut up and go away. Advice is what you get when the person you are talking to wants to revel in the superiority of his or her own intelligence.
If you weren’t so stupid, after all, you wouldn’t have your stupid problems.
Psychotherapy is genuine conversation. Genuine conversation is exploration, articulation and strategizing.
- Jordan Peterson, 12 Rules For Life
1 tip
Wondering how you can apply this to your next client interaction?
Ask yourself:
- What’s the client asking me?
- Why is the client asking me this?
- What is the client doing for himself?
- Is the client ready for the advice?
P.S. Want some genuine conversation about thriving as an adult? Let's chat.
John - liveyoungandwell.com - Work Your Love