2-3-4 Friday

1 thought

Being assertive, and fighting for what you want, is not wrong. 

I recently had a conversation with a female product manager for a technology company. She shared about how she saw her peers who were scared of speaking up, of being seen as aggressive in saying what they want. 

Being male, I don’t know how that feels. 

What I do know is that in a more female-dominated social service industry, assertiveness, especially as an entry level social worker, was seen as a really bad thing. Being young and impulsive, there were many times when I regularly spoke my mind, cut up other people’s arguments, and put forth what I thought worked better. 

Yes, I know that was dumb, and it did promptly get me into trouble. 

But the first point I do want to make is – asserting yourself is not a bad thing. Whilst I don’t say this is a problem exclusive to females, I’ve seen it happen more often amongst women. They qualify before assert themselves – ‘Sorry this sounds stupid…’, ‘This may sound like an irrelevant point…’

Nope. 

No need to explain yourself. Give yourself permission.

Use the permission slip method recommended by Brene Brown, where you write on the edge of a piece of paper: Permission to speak up! 

But the second question is, 

How do you be assertive, getting what you want, and getting others to give you what you want?

An experienced facilitator recently taught me how I could do that better. He pointed out this concept of being an elegant disruptor. 

Of influencing people without them even knowing they had come to your side. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about how we can do that. 

In our work, we are always trying to persuade someone to do something they might not necessarily want. 

It does help that you ask questions, rather than assert. Rather than forcing them down your path, arguing forcefully for your point, you can ask questions that lead them to think in different ways. 

Maybe ask your way to change. 

1 talk

How do you become an elegant disruptor, moving people without them even knowing?

1 tip

One thing that has changed the way I speak up in meetings, is a tip from my first manager. 

I was that over-enthusiastic Hermonie Granger who was always adding something in meetings, sharing research, or picking out a point in a colleague’s argument that I didn’t agree with. 

He observed that there were times when my feedback was a comment, phrased as a question. I had to make that distinction myself.

He suggested that in future, I could state upfront ‘I want to share a comment, and a question.’

This would help people be clearer about what I was saying, rather than thinking that I was trying to hijack a Q&A session into a self-glorifying session where I spoke about all I knew. 

Clarifying whether you are adding a comment, or a question could help you, too.