2-3-4 Friday 
‘Seeking to spark the most potential within you per word of any online newsletter’

1 thought

Kick your legs back, it’s Christmas. It’s that time of the year where you sit with your steaming mug of hot chocolate, by the fire, and enjoy family around you.

Or where you shop in the stores, looking for that magical gift that will delight your loved ones.

Really?

Maybe in shows.

Sometimes it doesn’t happen like that in real life.

Why? Because we have an expectation mismatch. Between what you hope to see, and what you end up seeing. Maybe your partner’s face looks crestfallen after receiving your gift.

Or you end up having yet another row with your family, over the Turkey.

But sometimes, what we end up doing is that we dampen or lower our expectations, so that we won’t be disappointed. 
 

But when we dam the downside, we also cap the upside.

You expect little, and get little.

Don’t take it from me. 
 

Take it from John Gottman, the famed marital therapist. 
 

1 talk

 

Expectations are resentments waiting to happen.
 — Esther Perel (@EstherPerel) May 22, 2016
 

 This advice is wrong. Donald Baucom, a psychology professor at the University of North Carolina, studied marital expectations for a decade. 

 

He found that people get what they expect. 

 

People with low expectations tend to be in relationships where they are treated poorly, and people with high expectations tend to be in relationships where they are treated well.

 

This suggests that by having high standards, you are far more likely to achieve the kind of relationship you want than you are by looking the other way and letting things slide.
 

John Gottman, The Truth About Expectations in Relationships

1 tip 

This Christmas, don’t leave yourself simmering in resentment about yet another missed expectation.

Be aware of your expectations. Simply ask yourself, 
 

• What are my expectations of my family this Christmas? 
• What do I expect them to do? 
• What do I expect to feel?

Being aware is the first step.

But allow yourself to feel, and communicate those expectations.

You might say, 
 

Hey, I felt disappointed that you didn’t get me what I asked for. 
 

I wish you did the washing up.

How would you expect your loved ones to know, if you didn’t say what you wanted, and instead expected them to “know”?

Sometimes, you may fear communicating your expectations, because you fear that the other party will be angry, frustrated, and tired of you.

My only refrain? This Christmas, take the relational risk of communicating your expectations, owning what you want, so that you stop simmering in anger, and stewing in your frustration.

Better is possible.

If you communicate your expectations.

Share this newsletter with someone this Christmas. 

John
Live Young and Well