2-3-4 Friday - Is it okay to ghost?

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1 thought

I confess. I ghost people. Lots of people. Now if you don’t know what ghosting is, here’s what it means.

abruptly ending communication with someone without explanation.

You may have had the experience. You’ve an issue with someone. And internally you think,

It’s okay. I won’t ever see that person again anyway.

Let’s just drop the conversation.

Or you may have had others do that to you.

You may be a social worker working with an involuntary client and that client stops talking to you. All of a sudden. And you’re left thinking,

Well, what am I supposed to do now?

Or you may be like me. I’ve a romantic interest in someone, and the lady decides that she’s had enough.

So she doesn’t reply.

Is ghosting okay? After all the conventional argument is that

“You don’t owe me anything,

and neither do I owe you a reply.

Ghosting is fine.”

I think there are contexts when no replies are fine. These are the principles I use.

1. I don’t have a reply now.
   1. Say, someone asks you out for coffee. You’re not sure what his intention is, and you also have no real wish to meet him. You leave it on the backburner.
   2. Replying “hey, I don’t really want to meet you now” may once again introduce more complexity.
2. There is little upside to replying.
   1. I have met you once, and I’ve no wish to meet you again.
      1. The most conventional example is that of a date. You meet someone for the first time, realise that you’re not suited for each other, and drop the conversation. Trying to explain “Hey, I don’t think we’re suited for each other,” may involve more effort, open up a can of worms with the other lady perhaps also saying the same, and causing you more unwanted grief, and have little positive outcome.

You may disagree with me and say,

I think we should try, as much as possible, to close open loops.

When someone asks something of us, we should reply affirmatively - yes or no.

We shouldn’t leave them hanging.

I think so too. But sometimes when there’s little upside to the conversation, there may be little point.

Here’s when you shouldn’t just walk away.

When there’s been an emotional exchange, you should take time to address things. When you’ve been hurt, the silent, Cold War may not be the best for you. It’s like simmering inside. And if you clench your fist, grit your teeth each time you think of them, you may still be hurting.

And ghosting isn’t the long term solution.

1 talk

people go

but how

they left

always stays.

― Rupi Kaur, Milk and Honey

1 tip

This is learning for me.

But taking time to write unsent grief letters to people who’ve hurt you, rather than just ghosting them, can help.

Three steps:

1. Write down how they have hurt you and made you feel.
2. Write down the reactions you made to control the pain.
3. Write down “I release you and choose to hurt no more.”

This sounds like forgiveness. But what do you do then with communicating this hurt with them?

Ideally you would tell them,

I feel let down with this constant criticism of my efforts (X behaviour).

I’ve done this a few times, and several times, my experience has been that there has been no response from the other party.

Over time I’ve learnt that this act of surfacing hurts is for you, not for them. And ghosting people who’ve hurt you, may not be the best longterm thing to do for yourself.

When you ignore, you let hurt endure.

John

Live Young, Live Well - Work Your Love

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