2-3-4 Friday

‘Seeking to spark the most potential within you per word of any online newsletter’

1 thought

In Gone Girl, there’s a line from Nick Dunne, the relaxed husband.

His hands caresses the hair of his wife, who lies on his chest, and in mind, a thought appears,

When I think of my wife, I always think of the back of her head. I picture cracking her lovely skull, unspooling her brain, trying to get answers.

The primal questions of a marriage:

What are you thinking? How are you feeling?

Who are you?

What have we done to each other?

What will we do?

Hold up.

No more spoilers there.

Those questions are important, but here’s a thought,

Do those questions always need to be answered?

I’m not married and I don’t profess to know the deep inner workings of marriage.

But one myth that is present in many modern day friendships, relationships, is the need to know.

To show up. To be authentic and real with our feelings and emotions and to simply say what’s on our minds.

Is that always the most helpful thing?

Nope.

Any healthy relationship needs secrecy and a safe space. Where you can hold thoughts to yourself, and keep the harmony in a relationship.

Telling your partner that he looks fatter, just isn’t going to cut it. Really.

I know you’re trying to help egg him on to put the trainers on and start 

running, but it’s probably going to provoke an averse reaction.

What I’m trying to say is that rather than wondering why you’re not being more open with your partner or friend, maybe it’s better to ask yourself,

Will what I say help me, or help him?

1 talk

In life, and in relationships, we don’t do what we want.

We do what we are used to.

1 tip

Deep down, we know the truth. That sometimes we say things just to get it off our chest, and not necessarily because we genuinely want to help our partner or loved one or friend.

We want to hurt them.

Really.

I often underestimate my capacity for hurting people until I remember this incident in Peru. My host family had left me at the home of a cousin whose birthday party they were going to celebrate.

I sat there on the sofa, in the cold for an hour, before anyone turned up for the party.

I was fuming. I asked to go home.

For the rest of the week, I played the silent war. I refused to talk. My host sister finally came to me with a card, printed with glossy pictures of our time together, and asked to talk.

I refused, saying,

Yo no quiero entender cualquier.

I don’t want to understand anything.

She walked away.

I’m not a great person.

So perhaps this year it’s worth asking,

When did I last hurt someone?

Where are the patterns repeating themselves?

Because in life, in relationships, we don’t do what we want.

We do what we are used to.

John

Live Young, Live Well - Work Your Love

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