2-3-4 Friday 

‘Seeking to spark the most potential within you per word of any online newsletter’

1 thought

When I was recently at a workshop, I went through a curious exercise.

We were told to stand in a circle. No one was allowed to talk. Of this group of 24 people, we were supposed to form groups of 4 to 5 people. Here’s the key. You had to want to be there.

If you felt discomforted, you could walk away.

You would go to one person, and then stand there, and someone else might come.

You would quickly see other people moving.

At the end of 7 minutes, when no one was moving, the trainer would go around the class and ask,

is this what you want?

The moment someone said ‘no’, the circle would reset, and everyone would split up again.

But when everyone nodded, and agreed that this was what they, as an individual wanted, then it would move to

is this what we need?

The question this time was different. It was about what the group needed, and not what the individual wanted.

There’s this dynamic in a lot of teams. You don’t really want something, but for the sake of the group, you sit and nod your head, because you don’t wish to be the brat who insists on everything going his way.

The point of the exercise wasn’t to get you to pick sides. Rather it was to help you to get in touch with what you wanted.

Truly wanted.

How many of us can truly touch our hearts, and say that the friends, family, and people we spend time with are people we truly want to be with?

This is not about being picky, but being aware.

1 talk

You’re given a choice. Is spending more time with this person what you want?

1 tip

Recently a friend wanted to spend more time with me, and I came to the point where I thought,

I don’t really want this.

There wasn’t anything about him, but it was just that I felt drained each time I spoke to him.

We had spoken for more than 8 years, but it had come to a point where I wasn’t sure I could help more. He was passive about getting a job, not clear what he wanted to do with life, and there was little I could do to help.

I had counseled, corralled, pushed, but finally I came to the point where I thought,

This is not what I want in my interactions.

He wasn’t a bad person, but circumstances had pushed his behaviors to become maladaptive. I acknowledged that I wasn’t his social worker or therapist, and it couldn’t be my job to pull him out of his rut.

He had to change himself.

I stopped trying to change someone else, and tried to focus on what I wanted for my own life.

It’s incredible what happens when you do this for yourself.

Really.

Because you come to a point where you just think,

I’m sorry to hear that you’ve had things so bad.

But internally you think,

that’s him, not me.

Please don’t get me wrong. This is not about un-compassionate. It’s simply about recognizing that no matter how much we try, we can never change someone else.

And trying to do that over and over again will land you in deeper and deeper agony.

It’s the classic ‘put on your own breathing mask before you put on those of others’.

It’s attractive to focus on the problems of others because you get to distract yourself from your own problems.

Until you change that to asking yourself, ‘hey, is this what I want?’, you won’t find more happiness.

John

Live Young, Live Well - Work Your Love

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