2-3-4 Friday 

‘Seeking to spark the most potential within you per word of any online newsletter’

1 thought

For a long time, I struggled to find where I truly belonged. Groups like church felt too boring for me. And in the previous companies I worked for, I was always the oddity, the one who was a bit awkward to be around with. 

That may be you. 

You've tried hard, but no matter how hard you try, you never really seem to fit in. 

Why is that so? You've tried to be more charismatic. To be funnier. To even dress better. 

But somehow, you can't slide in seamlessly into groups. 

Here’s an exercise I was recently put through.

Everyone stands in a circle. After that, you go into a mingle at the centre of the room. No words are allowed.

The task is to create 4 groups of 7 at 4 different corners of the room based on who you’d like to choose to share about a deep issue you’re working through.

In other words, you need to find people you trust.

When those four groups are formed, the facilitator will ask, “Is this what you want?” Everyone says yes, or no.

If there’s a single no, the group goes back into a mingle.

During one of the opening rooms, I was standing in the middle, looking at the four other groups that had gathered in the other corners. As I stared at them, I tried to get in touch with my feelings and ask if those people were truly who I wanted to trust. It was hard.

Some looked fierce, strong, and not people I would normally mix with.

I stood in the middle, looking from right to left. I couldn’t see a group comprising of people I wanted to share deep, dark secrets to.

Eventually, after 5 minutes of standing in the middle, I chose a group, just to get on with the activity.

You can imagine the fierce stares directed at me as I was standing in the middle. Later, some people reflected that they felt irritated that I wasn’t making up my mind. They just wanted to get on with it.

But the facilitator later briefed us about how that activity was a reminder of how,

to integrate, you must first differentiate.

Those aren’t just fancy words. But rather, you might realise that one of our life’s most difficult work is how we bring our whole, integrated selves into the different settings that we are in. One might say,

Oh you can bring some parts of yourself which are acceptable, and leave out the uncomfortable bits.

But what you quickly realise is that people don’t trust you as easily. They struggle to place their finger on it, but you would notice their hesitation. 

They might not themselves know why they don’t “vibe with you”.

I share this because I too, was someone who kept wondering why I seemed to keep experiencing breakdowns in initial relationships, even though I felt I was bringing my best self. What I later realised was, as Tong Yee often mentions in his courses,

part speaks to part, whole speaks to whole.

This is not just a fluffy concept.

It’s about coming in whole, and integrated, and not feeling as if you had to hide any part of yourself. You don’t necessarily need to share your deep dark secrets with every person you meet, but internally, you know that you’ve made peace with the difficult parts of yourself that you find might be socially unacceptable.

It can be liberating.

1 talk

To integrate, you must first differentiate.

1 tip

For a long time, I struggled to piece together the fact that I was awarded an overseas scholarship, but still struggled to find a job, with the accompanying fact that I was now employing people.

I struggled to tell acquaintances about my full career history, and it always seemed that I had to hide a big part of myself. For example - how could I explain how I afforded to go abroad for my studies?

Slowly I realised that I didn’t always need to explain, but internally, I had to make sense of it on my own.

Over the course of your own life, there are things you’re ashamed of. You will not be proud of sharing it with others. But to form a genuine connection with others, I think it requires us to first own our shameful bits, and to recognize that because we are this different, we won’t always ‘vibe’ with everyone.

And that’s okay.

I see many people who try to force a connection, where there is none, and they end up the worse for it.

So today, perhaps the first advice is:

to integrate, you must first differentiate,

and in that differentiation, you must recognize that you won’t always integrate everywhere…

and that’s okay.

John

Live Young, Live Well - Work Your Love